Abandonment

My husband and I play a little game with the boys when we hit a red light: "Mommy, Mommy," they beg, "make the light change! Remember to ask it nicely!"

And then we begin a short or long request for the light to change to green using lots of big words and fancy language by keeping our eye on the lights the other direction waiting for them to change yellow to make our final triumphant request for green. The boys squeal with glee that we have once again made the light change at our command. Rocket science it is not, but it does give the illusion to a 3 year old of power over the lights.

I recently came across this passage in The Faith Explained by Leo Trese (an excellent book, by the way, highly recommended reading!) on the workings of grace in our souls:

And then on judgement day we shall get our first square look at ourselves. We shall see the full picture of the workings of grace in our life. We shall see how little we ourselves had to do with our heroic decisions and our supposedly noble deeds. Almost, we can imagine God smiling at us in loving amusement as he sees our chagrin; as he hears us exclaim in confusion, "Why God! It was you all the time!"

He later writes, "It becomes our responsibility, then, to do our best in removing obstacles to the operation of grace; to do our best to facilitate the effects of grace."

All too often I fall into the trap of hidden pride, thinking that more effort will yield the results that I want. I want to buy into the illusion that things are in my control, rather than abandon myself to the will of our Lord, which only puts up a barrier to the grace I so desperately need. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. Perhaps a prayer from a holy man will help me today:

Charles de Foucauld's Prayer of Abandonment:

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Beginning Again

I don't really like New Year's Resolutions. Well, that's not entirely true. I think what I don't like is the idea that the time for making resolutions is once a year. When I think of making a resolution for a whole year, I am paralyzed, as I have very little idea what the future holds and am afraid that I will fail. Then there is the inevitable discouragement of failing in a resolution or the temptation, once off the bandwagon, to let things slide until the next resolution-making holiday.

With our children we still say the prayer that I said as a child: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Each night, we sink into sleep, however briefly, and each morning is a new dawn. The time for examining oneself and for making resolutions? St Josemaria calls it a daily task, "If you are really fighting, you need to make an examination of conscience...It is the same as when you look at yourself in the mirror to know where you have hurt yourself or where the dirt is or where your blemishes are, so that you can get rid of them."

A few moments spent at the end of the day asking ourselves, What did I do well today? How have I loved our Lord? How have I failed? In what little thing will I struggle to do better tomorrow? Smiling at others? Being patient? And then, recognizing those things I have to be sorry for, that, once again, I return like the prodigal son, I can make a sincere act of contrition and sleep knowing that tomorrow we will begin again.

My Laundry List

The laundry is a microcosm of my spiritual life. Allow me to explain--

Last week, in the confessional, among other sins, I confessed to disorganization and a general lack of discipline with certain household tasks. While I try to maintain an orderly home, my house contains certain "hot spots" or regular problem areas where disorganization is the rule, rather than the exception. Throughout the years, the laundry is consistently one of these areas.

With each child there is more laundry, and the disorganization grows. I have tried different systems, kept them for a very short period of time, and then resorted back to the periodic laundry emergency system (PLE system)--the kids have no clean clothes so it it time to spend the entire day doing laundry. About once every day 7-10 days, we would hit crisis mode. Mr. Red wants me to let all our readers know how mean I am to him when the emergency periodically arises.

The periodic emergency system has seen some small improvements over the years. After the last baby I started doing at least one load per day, but do not take the time to fold or sort the clean laundry. This resulted in the periodic folding emergency system, also known as the PFE system. This is the system currently in place.

On most days our guestroom serves as a very large disorganized dresser. At any given time, there are about 8 loads of clean laundry dumped in a very large pile on the bed. Eventually the emergency strikes, and I have two children and my husband spending 1/2 hour each morning sorting through clean laundry to find a matching pair of socks. Mr. Red rarely complains, as he sees the PFE system as a huge improvement over the old PLE system--clean lost socks are better than dirty socks, right? Our daughter disappears for hours at a time looking for a specific treasured outfit. Our son simply wears whatever is left in his dresser, regardless of color scheme or season. Eventually, we are late for something important because nobody can find their clean clothes, or someone is dressed in a completely inappropriate outfit. I then declare an emergency, temporarily suspend all unnecessary activities, and spend several hours folding laundry.

During confession, I began to explain my laundry system to a good priest. He said that in many ways, the laundry represents my spiritual life.

I'm good in a crisis. When an emergency strikes, I can really buckle down and get through the rough patch with focus and concentration. I don't get overly stressed by the "fire" or "emergency" AND I feel a real sense of accomplishment when the job is complete. I always feel really great when I am finished folding the laundry and everything is really organized. The way I see it, the messier things are to begin with, the better the rush when the folding is finished.

Spiritually, I rely on God very well in times of crisis. Each rough patch seems to remind me to pray and seek God's help. When the emergency passes, so does my perceived need for prayer and assistance. Daily discipline is where my prayer life needs the most work. Taking a specific time each day to offer my whole self to God is a constant challenge for me. I will spend time daily doing so many other tasks, but praying only seems to make that priority list when the going gets rough. A set time of prayer, even just 10-15 minutes, must be a part of my daily routine.

I tend to make things part of my routine when there is an immediate consequence for failure to accomplish the task. Kitchen cleaning, for example, is something that has to happen immediately after a meal. If the dishes sit, they are much harder to clean. If pancake mix dries on the counter, it takes 5 times longer to scrub it clean. Ants make a permanent home in my kitchen if things are not thoroughly wiped down each evening. For all of these reasons, I clean my kitchen well each night. While I am sometimes rather tired, I do this task with a general sense of peace, a purpose, and I am able to offer the work to God.

As a busy wife and mother, my household tasks, when offered to God, will be my main mode of prayer. Offering each folded sock and each folded shirt as a prayer for it's owner is much easier when my folding is done as part of the rhythm of our week. Currently, my system of emergency folding makes this sort of offering almost impossible. When emergency strikes, my sole focus is on getting the task accomplished in as little time as possible, not in offering my work as a prayer for those I hold most dear. I become task-oriented, not people-oriented. I tend to view my spiritual life this way as well. Time with God can become something to check off of a "to-do" list, rather than about fostering a life-long relationship. Living in emergency mode only increases my tendency to focus on the task, rather than the person.

I am not naive enough to think that we can have a system or a routine for everything in our lives. In the life of a mother emergencies will inevitably occur. For this my disposition is a huge blessing. But living with emergencies that can be easily controlled and avoided by basic discipline has poor consequences for my relationships with other people, and especially for my relationship with God. In all honesty, the laundry, absent some terrible stomach bug or a recent return from vacation, should never be an emergency as it is as predictable and certain as the mail. While failing to fold on a particular day doesn't have the same immediate consequence as leaving a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink, it's consequences are long term, and have an effect on my relationships with other people. The days when I am folding, I rarely take the time to just sit down and play with my children. It is hard to enjoy their presence when I am thinking about the task that lies ahead. Similarly, my relationship with God suffers as I struggle to be docile to the Holy Spirit when I'm frantically folding my 7th pile of laundry.

And it is these relationships that are the real call of my vocation. I organize my home and accomplish many tasks each day, not because I fear the consequences or because it feels good to look at an empty laundry basket, but to serve the wonderful people in my life. Such service is done in the most loving manner when it is regular, timely, and always focused on the person behind the task. And this is my new resolution with the laundry.

The Gift of Prayer

Ever since the birth and death of my daughter Therese, I have had a special place in my heart for sick babies. Each night I pray for the general intentions of all parents caring for sick children. Unfortunately, I also pray for some of these children and their families by name.

This past month, I had to add another baby boy to my ever growing list. My friend's beautiful, smiley, 11 month old son (who I will call baby F) was diagnosed with SMA. SMA is like Lou Gehrig's disease in children, it is a degenerative and fatal neuro-muscual condition. The news brought me to my knees in prayer.

Any time I get the news that a baby is sick or dying, it touches a very broken part of my heart, a part I feel will never fully heal. I am not normally the type to shed tears over the joy and sorrow of another. Empathy is not a natural gift. And yet the face of baby F, and other babies like him, is with me regularly. Each night I lay awake and pray for baby F and his parents. I know too well that there are few things I can physically do to help my friend and her family. While I can offer some help with their practical needs (things like meals, babysitting for her other children, or fundraising), I cannot help them sleep at night, and I cannot take away their tears. When my friend lays down to sleep each night, she is very much alone in her grief and fears. Only God can comfort her broken heart. Only God can give her the strength she needs to wake up each day and face the reality of caring for her family. Only God can give her the grace she needs to choose love over fear.

I know this too well, and it is why I fall to my knees in prayer. For an overly practical person like me, a sick child is a real reminder that the most important thing I can do is pray. And by that I mean remember to pray. It is easy to go on with my own life, and forget their very real need for prayer. Months or even years from now, baby F will still be sick, and their family will still need prayer. Through my prayers, I can help this family carry the very heavy cross they have set before them. But I have to remember to pray.

When I was pregnant with Therese, the prayers of others gave me the grace I needed to love my daughter for the short time she was with us on earth. Prayers sustained me in the first weeks after Therese's death. But only two short months after her death, I felt a real drop in the day-to-day level of grace in my life. At the time, I thought I was just going through the normal grieving process and feeling really depressed and down. In retrospect, I realize that many of our dear friends and family had stopped praying. It wasn't as if they didn't love us, or didn't care, it was just that everyone else had very naturally moved forward. And yet we still needed the prayers.

As time passes, it becomes easier to forget. It is hard work to think about and pray for a sick baby and his mother each day. Baby F reminds me that like my short time with Therese, I am not guaranteed a tomorrow with any of my children. Each day is a gift to be lived and cherished, because another day like it may not come along. Such a reminder is amazingly true and beautiful, but can fill my heart with fear. It brings up emotions in me that are not always easy to control. With time, I have grown to see these emotions--the empathy I feel for sick babies--as a great gift, one of the many lasting gifts our sweet Therese left for me.

It is a gift I will now give to baby F and his family. Following the advice of a wise priest, I will feel the sorrow, pray, and then place the burden on the shoulders of Jesus.

Flowers for our Blessed Mother

At a home school meeting last night, someone suggested a beautiful idea for praying the rosary with little ones that I had never heard before.

She gives her children two baskets, one with one white and 10 red beautifully crocheted flowers.

After the Our Father and each Hail Mary the child transfers a flower to the other basket. It is a simple and quite Montessorian idea. A very tactile way for a young child to participate in the rosary.

And at the end, the child can present the basket to the Blessed Mother. If you cannot crochet, you could use inexpensive silk flowers.

This may be something special to present to your child during the month of May.

We have found it special to occasionally move our family prayer time outside next to our Mary statue this spring, which the boys love!

***UPDATED to add a beautiful link on crocheted roses for little ones supplied by Elizabeth Foss in the comments: http://ponderedinmyheart.typepad.com/pondered_in_my_heart/2009/04/praying-the-rosary-with-little-ones.html#

Upon Reflection

It was Socrates who said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Kat's last post illustrates this beautifully.

A few months ago I began to notice a change in a friend....a good change. I mentioned it to my husband, and he agreed. Our friend shared with my husband over the holidays that a few months ago he started journaling daily, at the advice of a priest. This time of daily reflection coincided with a remarkable change in his demeanor.

Sometimes when we moms are in the trenches, overwhelmed by diapers, dishes and discipline, it is hard to stop and take time to reflect. I know many people like to take stock at the dawn of the New Year, to set goals or make resolutions. And some people go on a yearly retreat. This is good, but there is so much value to reflecting daily. If we just trudge through each day, we miss the meaning, joy and value of our daily lives.

We need to pause daily, even hourly, to reflect. If you take a moment to say the Angelus at noon, this is a great time to ask yourself one question about your morning. For me, I usually ask myself if I have been a model of cheerfulness to my children. A nightly examination of conscience is another great habit. This way we can set goals or resolutions daily, not just once a year.

Taking time every day can also help us see cause and effect relationships. I had a very rough day last week after my parents left town. It was my husband who made to observation that the day after my parents leave seems to be very hard for me. I had not noticed that link, though it makes perfect sense as the boys are out of their routine and I no longer have help around. Now that I am aware of this, I can try to have a very structured day planned the next time my parents leave to get us all back into our routine.

If I had a tough day, I can ask myself if I got enough sleep the night before. Sometimes this may be out of my control (the baby woke up 6 times) or maybe it's because I stayed up too late on the computer. Or maybe I have been slacking in my time of prayer. Taking time to think and pray will help our days to be more full of joy and meaning. These interior struggles to be more Christ-like will not only bear fruit for ourselves, but for those around us as well.

Prayers

For those in the path of hurricane Ike. One of our builders lives in an area heavily hit by the storm. Please pray for all the families affected, and particularly for the elderly, the poor, and the rescue workers who were not able to evacuate.

Baby Cate

Please lift this amazing family up in prayer today as they grieve the loss of their 7 month-old baby girl. Their love of God and their love of baby Cate is a blessing for us all.

Lord, May you shower all families grieving the loss of a child with your grace and peace. Amen.

Strong, practical love

When ET and I were on our honeymoon in Vancouver, we went to daily mass at a wonderful little Catholic church down the road. Over the course of the week, we got to know a wonderful older married couple, and we are still in touch via "snail mail" to this day. As we said good-bye on our last day in Vancouver, they gave us a wonderful gift: a plaque that's meant to hang in a window, with the following prayer on it:

A Marriage Prayer

Lord, help us
to remember when
we first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into practical
things so nothing can divide us.
We ask for words both
kind and loving, and for hearts
always ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our marriage
in your hands.
Amen.

When I came downstairs this morning, bleary-eyed and wishing that baby Maria had decided to sleep just a little bit longer :), I saw that ET had stayed up late last night to tackle two enormous baskets of laundry. Now that's what I call "working love into practical things" - thank you, ET! How nice it is to know that the dreaded task of folding that laundry has now been lifted from my shoulders!

I love this prayer because it gets right to the heart of what I think marriage is all about - finding ways to work our love into the practical realities of daily life so that they unite rather than divide us, asking for the grace to forgive and be forgiven, to speak words that are kind and loving, to place our marriage into Our Lord's hands every day. I hope that this prayer will be a blessing to you today, too!