The Question

In mid-August, the children and I (sans ET, he had to work) went to the North Carolina shore to celebrate my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary with all of my extended family members. All of us - grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. - stayed in the same house, so there was much opportunity for conversation and fellowship. On the first evening of the vacation, one of my uncles sat me down at the dining room table for a little chat. Innocently, he asked me when I was planning on going back to work. 

"Well, probably not for a little while...I mean, I'd like to get our family settled into our new home before I make any plans to work again," I said, taken a bit off guard, but determined to give a better answer to his next question.

He persisted, "So, you think that you will go back to work in a little while? Maybe next year?"

"Well, actually, I'm pretty sure that I will be staying home with the children, at least until they've started school. I would prefer not to put them in childcare at such a young age, and it's a full-time job just taking care of our family! We were so busy when I was in graduate school, finishing up classes and doing an internship, with C in daycare, and I've really enjoyed the past couple years of being home with the kids. Since I haven't really worked in the field yet, there aren't many opportunities for part-time work, although there are plenty of volunteer opportunities that I'm thinking about. So until the children are school-age, I'll pretty much stay home with them." 

Okay, that was a better answer. Now my uncle would understand my priorities and that would be the end of that. Or not...

"Are you planning on having more children?" he asked, with a knowing look on his face.

"Well, yes, that's our hope at least. We always say, one child at a time!" I said in my most cheerful voice. 

"How many more children?" he asked.

"Well, like I said, we're taking it one at a time, but we're open to God's plan for our family." 

With a look of dismay on his face, "So that's it, you're going to be a stay-at-home mom."

"Um, yes, I guess that's right. Look, Uncle Tom (not his real name), I believe that I use my education every day when I am with my kids, talking to them, teaching them things..."

He continued, now with a pitying look on his face, "It's such a shame, Kat, you're so bright. You worked so hard. You went to Princeton, and now you're just going to stay at home." 

He might as well have added, "What a waste," but mercifully he left it at that. I responded with an, "Mmm-hmm, yes, that's what I'm going to do," smiled, and excused myself from the table, not being able to think of anything better to say in the moment. I didn't feel like having to defend my priorities to my uncle when I had just been shamed by him - after all, my whole extended family was close by and had probably heard most of the conversation, and his conclusion was quite clear: I was wasting my education and my talents by deciding not to work outside of the home.

I would imagine that many of us who stay at home have faced similar reactions from family members and friends, and I'm sure that sometimes we are happier with the answers that we give than others. Sometimes we probably walk away from these conversations and start asking ourselves our own set of questions, perhaps going something like this:

"Okay, so why I am staying home again? Am I wasting my degree? I mean, not everyone has the opportunity to go to college and grad school and get a great education...Oh my goodness, maybe he's right, maybe I should be working. I mean, maybe I actually have a social responsibility to be working! But then who would take care of the children? No, hold on, that's the whole reason that I'm not working, I want to stay home and take care of my family! That's my priority right now!"

Everyone's internal monologue is going to be different, and everyone's family is going to have different circumstances and needs. My reason in writing this post is not to garner pity or boast about some saintly path that I have chosen. Far from it: My reason in sharing this story is to offer all of you readers a little window into the thoughts that often fill my mind, with the hope that you will be encouraged if you also have similar thoughts. When it comes down to it, we all struggle to do what is best for our families, not always knowing if we are making the right choices but praying like crazy all along the way. I'm pretty sure that as long as we cling to Our Lord and to our spouses, we'll make it just fine.

May God bless all of us and our families today! Our Lady, Mother of Mercy, pray for us!

Inverse Pyramid of Living

My husband and I have been growing and forming our family within the insane crucible of active duty military service for five years now. Despite my frustrations of never being able to grow a garden or paint bedrooms due to the frequent moves, our unconventional path continues to teach me valuable lessons.

Most recently, we moved to Germany for a three year overseas tour. The constraints in our current living situation provide me with ample opportunities to demonstrate patience, organization and optimism (two out of three are big struggles for me). As we settle into our smallest home ever-- a two bdrm apartment on the second floor of a multi-family unit -- and begin the two month wait for our household goods to arrive, as I memorize the limited bus schedule since our car will not arrive for two weeks still, I often reflect on how drastic God has to be in my life for me to “get it.”

Really, for a young, college-educated North American couple, we are living the inverse pyramid lifestyle: downsizing, living on less (exchange rate –eek!), seeing what we are made of, and relying on the fabric of our family rather than the fabric of our clothes. As my peers settle into lovely homes with sweeping green lawns, I am learning how to carry groceries on my back, an umbrella stroller under one arm and an 8-month-old on one hip to make it up to our second floor home. Surprisingly, I feel no jealousy. Rather, I feel that this drastic exercise in stream-lined living is just what I needed.

As a neophyte stay-at-home mom these small Army quarters prevent me from getting overwhelmed. Only so much will fit in the kitchen cupboards and it doesn’t take that long to vacuum 700 square feet of carpet. As soon as the baby is less of a night-waker he will shift into Big Sister’s room and neither child will know the meaning of the phrase “my room.”

So, all in all, I would like to thank Uncle Sam for squeezing us into this place for the next three years. And I would like to preemptively and presumptuously thank the Lord for reminding me daily of all the blessings inherent in such a modest living arrangement.

Tell me a story of your down-sizing and its fruits, would you?

It's the Playoffs

So, this is just to confess that my kids stayed up until 9 o'clock at night, eating tacos, in their pajamas, in front of the TV. The thing is, though, you are only 7 once, and when your team hits a grand slam it is just not the same to watch it on the highlights reel.

Go Phillies!

Tone, Trash Talk and Thanksgiving Turkey: Part I

On November 23, in the Year of our Lord 2008, all the Builders within a 300 mile radius will converge on Red’s beloved city of Philadelphia… Red, B-mama and me to run the Philadelphia Marathon’s 8K race, and MaryAlice to sport a sassy late-pregnancy workout get-up and lipstick, pose for pictures, and cheer on her half-marathoning husband.

Yes. We’re paying a $45 registration fee to run 8 kilometers at 7:15am on a cold November morning around a mediocre city:
(1) To tone our child-laden bodies.
(2) To engage in the type of competitive trash talk that we all enjoyed at one time during athletic careers but have long suppressed in order to be good models for our children. Red and B-mama both were star college athletes. I had some high school glory days and am generally competitive.
(3) To head into the Thanksgiving holiday—which often marks the beginning of the end of healthy habits for the winter—with a solid fitness regimen in place.

This is a competition. This is not a girlfriends’ trot where we jog three-abreast and dish about fertility cycles and parenting philosophies. There will be a winner.

Red currently is running 6 days per week, with three of these runs taking place in the morning before her kids wake up (has she gone mad?), to work up to 8 kilometers a few weeks out from the race. Red was one of those who “only ran to stay in shape for team sports”. See above paragraph: this ain’t no team sport.

B-mama is back up and at 'em after baby J’s birth two months ago, with an eye toward returning to her usual 5+ workouts per week. She’s the college-level distance runner among us. She’s the rabbit, we’re the greyhounds.

I am opting for the 6 times per week elliptical training program while I nurse some minor back problems, although I run 4-5 miles outside occasionally. Core strengthening and speed will be my goals. Red also tells me there's prize money for coming in first place city-wide. What's wrong with dreaming big?

We will be documenting our progress for the next seven weeks, on Thursday of each week, in a segment entitled Tone, Trash Talk and Thanksgiving Turkey.

We invite one and all to join us in Philadelphia or to show solidarity by setting some pre-winter fitness goals.

Good luck.

Help?

Anyone know of a good source for Maternity formal wear? I have a black tie wedding to go to and I will be about 8 months pregnant.

Thanks!

What is Really Going On, and does it matter?

I have been trying to follow the financial news, but I have been rather confused by the impact of it all outside of the banking sphere (which is relevant, in some ways, to my day to day life, as my husband works in New York and has banks as his clients).

I wish that the media would do more to educate us. I don't think that the campaigns should be suspended, but I sort of wish that the 24 hour news coverage of the campaigns would be. I also wish that TV news was not so entertainment and ratings driven, so that they could focus on actual issues affecting our nation.

This morning my husband sent me this essay, from the New York Times, which I found very helpful.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/01/business/economy/01leonhardt.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=lessons%20from%20a%20crisis&st=cse&oref=slogin

St. Thérèse of Lisieux

October 1st is her feast day, and as a stay-at-home mother of little children I have developed a real connection and admiration for this humble woman. She lived her life as a Carmelite nun working at the most menial of tasks. She worked in the laundry and the dining hall -- accomplishing the same tasks for her fellow sisters as we do for our young families. However, I often feel that the similarities end there. She saw this monotony as an opportunity for prayer and greater communion with Christ and the saints. She wrote, "I prefer the monotony of obscure sacrifice to all ecstasies. To pick up a pin for love can convert a soul." Amazing.

So, Saint Therese, pray for us, mothers, that we may possess the spiritual calm and profound humility with which you lived every day and died.