Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A New Fitness Empire

In light of the upcoming race, it seemed appropriate to post my current workout routine in the hopes that it will become the next great fitness empire. My husband played golf with the husband of "Mrs. Buns of Steel" and claims his golf game would improve if I could create a similar empire and he could retire and play golf all the time. I won't make it up from Texas for race day (or will I?!?), which is probably a good thing since I am at least as competitive at Juris Mater and would be killing myself secretly doing two-a-days before and after the kids were asleep just to smoke the other builders in the race.

My workout is entitled: A Trip to Costco.

The warm-up: Gather all belongings pertinent to such an outing, including, but not limited to water bottles, snacks, blankets, cars, books, baby carrier, purse, list, cart cover, coupons, sunglasses, extra clothes, diapers, towels and a tent, because you never know what will happen.

With all items assembled, it's time to step it up a notch. Carry all aforementioned items to the car along with ~20 pound baby/car seat combo. Strap other two boys into car seats. Good, we're already working up a sweat.

Use the 20 minute drive to Costco to get in the zone. Listen to some pump up music at a high volume.

When you arrive at Costco, the baby will unexpectedly wake-up and refuse to make the transfer to the baby carrier without eating. That's ok. You can stretch and do calisthenics as you climb over the seats to remove baby from his seat and feed him while sitting on the floor of the car...also great for you abs as you try to balance to not fall over.

Baby, suitably tired, goes into baby carrier. Proceed to weight training as you lift 40 pound and 30 pound toddlers into cart.

Run from the parking lot to the entrance. Since you parked far away from the door so no one would see you feeding the babe on the floor of your car, you've got a long way to go while wearing the baby and pushing 70 pounds.

Flash Costco card, then hand it to your 3 year old. He will proceed to drop it at least four times, not maliciously mind you, but because he is distracted by searching for the free samples.

Work on your agility as you dart off course to pick up said samples.

Need some strength training? That's on deck as your husband has requested Gatorade. No need to worry about the rookie mistake of bending from the waist to pick up heavy things...the baby strapped to your chest forces you to squat, using the correct muscles.

Proceed through your shopping list at breakneck speed for fear that the baby will wake up any minute, trying hard not to take anybody out with your careening cart. The wild look in your eyes will make the slower carts cower in the center book section.

Ah, but this is all indoors, you may say. How will my lungs be ready to exercise outside? Take a few laps around the refrigerated produce section, because they rearranged it AGAIN and you can't find the spinach.

Head for the check out line. You will definitely be breathing hard at this point.

Head for the finish line, which is a good thing because the baby is stirring...the person waiting to highlight your receipt just may hand you a medal today...but WAIT! Emergency u-turn. The photo counter was still closed when you began, so you have to turn around to get your on-line ordered photos, straining every last muscle against the forward momentum of the cart + boys + food. The receipt highlighter mercifully lets you take a shortcut through the gate when she realizes the problem.

Finally head back to the parking lot, get in one more round of weight lifting in as you unload the boys and costco items. Baby wakes up on cue. Stretch well while bending to put 3 boys back into their car seats, then collapse into the front seat.

Good thing you remembered to gather all the water bottles during the warm-up. Drink some water and, realizing you didn't pack yourself a snack, eat half of the boys' before handing it back to them.

Crank up the a/c. Congratulations. You just completed your workout regimen AND got your shopping done.


Aubrey said...

That was so funny! I can see myself running this race at Sam's Club (no Costco) with my four kids. It's something else, isn't it? I enjoyed your post!

DosPax said...

ha! and then you can get home and unload the car!

As for the snack, I charge my children one bite for opening anything, also, I often have to check and make sure that their snacks are not poison before I give it to them.

I give so much credit to you young, agile moms, after this baby is born I intend to stop leaving the house altogether.

Right Said Red said...

LoL. Great post. I hope to see you at the race on Sunday, although the marathon paperwork mentioned "no shopping carts."

AWOL Mommy said...

This one goes down in BC history. Also, for all you readers who don't know Tex personally. She is mini. Really mini - which makes the mental image of this Costco regimen all the more entertaining.

Kat said...

Hilarious, TM! You're right, doing our regular "mommy tasks" is a real work-out! My favorite of the week was vacuuming with Maria on my back in the Ergo...She seems to be scared of the vacuum, so the only other option is to strap her to my back :)

B-Mama said...

Moms are amazing, huh?! To think that this is an "average" day in the life of one of us. Way to go, Moms of America!! :) Thanks Texas Mommy!!

Juris Mater said...

BRILLIANT, Tex. Just brilliant!!!!! This is hilariously written, and like B-mama said, describes just one hour in a typical day in the life of a stay-home mom with three little ones. LOVE IT!!!!

texas mommy said...

The beauty of this workout is that is is just a normal day! It's all about your perspective and state of mind. Just not sure how to market it yet...

Dos Pax...very good idea about charging your kids for their snacks by eating part of it!

Red...looks like my shopping cart racing strategy is busted.

AWOL...Everyone knows better than to mess with mini-mommy at Costco. the image of you vacuuming with the baby on your back!

Alex said...

Tex, this made my day. Hilarious and so well written. In the shopping cart face-off between you and Madame "Buns of Steel," there is no question that the golden gluteals are going down. Mini-mama takes the prize.

texas mommy said...

The other nice thing about this increase the intensity, just have more babies :-)

Alex said...

Also, I am thinking that the best way for you to capitalize on this potential fitness empire, Tex, is to create your own Costco of sorts, one in which you both intensify and standardize the work-out experience, sort of like the Curves fitness facilities but for shoppers. (Yours could be called "Curvsco"?) I am talking speed-walking sample servers that must be chased down in order to get obtain fabulous free and allusive samples, terrific sale items announced over the intercom and only valid for purchase if found on the shelf within the following 2 minutes, an aisle layout that is entirely rearranged on a bi-weekly basis so as to constantly create your described spinach phenomenon with basically all items on one's list, and an added 10% discount on the entire purchase if one's heart rate is above 140 bpm upon arrival at the checkout.

Kathleen said...

I find the last part the most exhausting. Unloading babies and toddlers and food from the car, when everyone is hungry and tired. It all about endurance.

Anonymous said...

nah, that was an EASY to trip to Costco... Now, if one of the toddlers had a tantrum and you had to throw him on your back with baby on front AND push the cart, THAT would have been a real workout!
Oh, and the other toddler insisted you sing the whole way, or something.