Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Maternity Taboo

Top five phrases not to say to a pregnant lady:

1) "Are you carrying twins?"

2) "Boy, looks like you're carrying twins!"

3) "You're heavy with child."

4) "I don't remember you looking that big last time."

5) "Due any day now?" --This last phrase is really never a good one to say. There's no telling if, indeed, the woman is due tomorrow or two months from now. That's quite a gamble!

I've heard a few of these this go 'round. Have any others to add to the list? Red, I'm sure you've got one or two for us. Strangers usually make notoriously insensitive comments to poor Red and her big babies!! I think someone actually made comment #5 to her right around her 20-week mark!

18 comments:

Jess said...

I know this might be a stupid question, but what are good things to acknowledge that a woman is pregnant (personally, unless I've been specifically told, I never comment - thanks to the billowy shirts I own, I've been asked #5 more than once).

Is "Congratulations" okay? Or "Do you know if it's a boy or girl?" okay? I presume, "you look beautiful" is always okay. Thanks for helping the clueless amongst us.

4ddintx said...

Jess, I'm pregnant with #7, so I have a bit of experience with this. I think that congratulations are always in order. It's always appropriate to ask how she's feeling, as well. "Are you feeling well? Are you sleeping well?" etc. Telling her that she glows or is beautiful might raise a laugh, but it's appreciated. Anything that acknowledges that what she is going through is a blessing, a gift, and is beautiful is always appreciated (from my experience).

Annie Bizzi said...

I always treasure the comments of how big I look--it means the baby is growing, healthy, and I am providing a wonderfully supportive nurturing space for the miracle to happen! (At least that's what I keep telling myself--3 months pregnant with #6 now and no one has said anything--I guess they are used to my healthy glow all the time!

Right Said Red said...

Yes, I have gotten the "due any day now" comment at only 20 weeks! I think it is easier to appreciate these sorts of insensitive remarks when you do not have very large babies, like me!

The all time worst comment I have ever received was at the end of my pregnancy with Gianna. I was wearing a large bright orange "go tigers" shirt, the ones we used to wear to the basketball games. It was one of the only things big enough to fit my 39 week pregnant body. As I walked down the law school hallway, a father of several children said to me, "wow, that's brave!"

Kat said...

Annie, I'm with you, I enjoy the comments about how large I look while pregnant! People are just commenting on the size of my pregnant belly, which is supposed to be large - that's very different than someone saying, "Wow, you're looking overweight"! B, the phrase "heavy with child" is probably not the best thing to say to a pregnant mama - any phrase using "heavy" should not be spoken :)

Mary Alice said...

I told a pregnant woman in the grocery store today that she was wearing a great looking top and that she looked beautiful and I think she thought I was totally nuts and possibly hitting on her. It was one of the better maternity outfits I have seen though, I think it was a stretchy dress but she was wearing it over yoga pants. I am going to have to remember that look.

Elena said...

I remember being pregnant with my twins and a passerby saying, "Don't worry, it will soon be over." I also got when pregnant with a singleton, "Wow, you sure are fat and pregnant. My sister-in-law is at the same mark and she is hardly showing." I still have a problem with the guy who said that!

Mary Alice said...

my brother in law said
"it's a good thing you have child-bearing hips"

B-Mama said...

I'm sitting here cracking up at all of these! Mary Alice, LOL on the grocery store and the hips. Hysterical!

MomVee said...

Annie is right. My youngest had IUGR and people were constantly telling me "I can't even tell you're pregnant!" thinking it was a compliment, when every time it just made me feel even more scared and sad.

Molly said...

I think the worst I got was, "Wow, you're big! When are you due?"

When the answer was, "a week ago!"

Mary Alice said...

Oh, Molly, I agree, being post-due is just exhausting!

B-Mama said...

lol, it is always SO dangerous to comment on a small bump--it could be a postpartum one!! Molly, I've heard of the same thing happening to women 5 months postpartum! Poor things!

Anonymous said...

So far, I've had:
- "Don't worry honey, it will be over soon"...but I'd had the baby the week before!

- "When are you due?" Again, already had the baby:)

- Are you sure you're not further along?

- Do you know if it's a boy or girl? No, you can't find out yet? Really? You look further along...

PLEASE tell me that you show sooner with each baby. I'm thinking of calling this one Gabriel if it's a boy because he announced himself around 8 weeks:)

Erin said...

I am 39.5 weeks right now, and the two most ridiculous comments came on the same day about a month or two ago when I was in court waiting for a hearing to begin:

1) From the opposing counsel: "Lets face it, you're just a hormone in high heels right now" (how is that OK to say to someone!???? I kept waiting for him to say "just kidding" but it never came.); and

2) The guardian on the case just flat out asked me "how much weight have you gained?" Again, in a professional setting, how is that an OK question? Do I have to answer?

About two weeks ago I also got BMama's #4--from another woman-- NOT OK!

I always like a nice pregnancy-glow related comment. One of the nicer comments i have heard came from a (male) attorney in my office who said "I think a woman never looks more beautiful than when she's pregnant."

Kerry said...

During my pregnancy with twins,people would ask me what I was having. When I told them two little girls, they would say "wow, you don't look pregnant with twins!" I remember feeling slightly insulted thinking well "what does pregnant with twins look like then?" Once I hit 32 weeks, I definitely looked VERY pregnant. I rarely got comments about looking big until the very end. Considering I was pregnant with twins,the fact that people told me I didn't look pregnant with twins was not a compliment. I think many comments to pregnant women are a lose/lose situation when it comes to size! They just need to tell us we're glowing and look great!

B Mama, you are beautiful pregnant!

Anonymous said...

At least if you've already had the baby, a baby was involved in your weight! My best friend is asked all the time about her pregnancy although she simply has a bit of a tummy, and people have even kept pressing her, "Are you sure? Because so-and-so looked exactly like that at X weeks." I think this is never a safe question or comment.

I've also said (to someone who said she was pregnant), "That's so exciting!" only to be glared at and told, "You've never had one, so don't tell me it's exciting. It's going to be hard and I can't take other people's naivete. A baby is not a doll." But all I'd said was, "That's so exciting!" and what does that woman know about me??

B-Mama said...

I think, bottom line, pregnant women are ultra sensitive! Obviously, what is fine for one woman is not for another. Tread carefully!! Probably the safest comment across the board is "You look beautiful" though that could be a bit awkward to say if you're a guy and not the father! :)