How can a sweet little boy like this be anyone's worst nightmare?Apparently, it's more common than I wish to believe. In taking Gianna to one of her activities today, I overheard two mothers say this:
Mom #1 "My friend just found out she was pregnant. She has an 18 month old and a 4 year old and now this. It was a total accident. Isn't that awful!"
Mom #2 "That is my worst nightmare!"
Both moms look in my direction to include me in this conversation.
My response: a deep sense of sadness, and then awkward silence. As I sat there, holding baby Augustine in one arm and my big toddler boy Charlie in the other, I wanted to scream, "my worst nightmare is a baby who dies, or a daughter who grows up so self-oriented that she says the same things these women just uttered." By the grace of God I was silent.
It is at moments like this that I realize I truly have a very different perspective on children than these women. While my kids drive me absolutely bonkers at certain points during the day, I am reminded daily what a wonderful blessing they are, and I pray fervently that our family will be blessed with more children in the future. While I don't expect everyone to want a larger family, or pray for more children, I do kind of expect a certain level of appreciation for the great gift of life, especially among other mothers. I guess this is crazy in our society where the message is that every baby should be a "planned baby" and parenthood is a choice one makes for personal fulfillment.
My only response in a situation like this is prayer. Prayer for these women, prayer for their children, and prayer for myself, that God gives me the grace to continue to see my children for the great miracle and blessing that they truly are.
12 comments:
I've heard similar things. I feel sad for the moms but especially for the children. They may have college funds and cars when they are 16 but will they know the unconditional love every child should know and will they come to see God's unconditional love for them through a parental example? Then, one day, they will have a choice to make: to either be like their mother and live only for themselves, or to live for others and as God wills them to live, even if they have had a poor example and little support in doing so.
This is, indeed, terribly sad--for the parents and for the children.
Do any of you get upset in general when these grown adults--whether happy about the pregnancy or not--say that they got pregnant "by accident"? That idea that marital relations "accidentally" leads to a child always upsets me, since it reveals such a disconnect in people's minds between relations and the beautiful, God-ordained end result of a child.
The thing is, I have to admit that I myself think planned pregnancies are best. Society finds it hard to understand that I could want so many babies, but I know that there are times when my family is able to be open to new life and times when we have just reasons not to be. I am not sure that I would ever use the phrase "worst nightmare" to describe a pregnancy, I can think of many much more gruesome nightmares, but I think that unplanned babies do come along sometimes, and not just to single people.
The more important question is what we do next. As a community of women, I think that we can do so much more to help young mothers. Even with a planned pregnancy, it can really be hard to be pregnant when you are sick and don't have childcare or support, or sick and need to go to work.
I would recommend the film Bella to anyone who has not seen it, this is a beautiful tale of how one person can really be a cooperator of life by offering kindness to a pregnant woman.
BTW, you seem to get a lot of this at gymnastics, seems like sort of a catty crowd there...
As a seasoned mom of four older children I think you have to try to ignore these comments. Sometimes people say stupid things, and that's sad, but it would be far worse if they actually acted upon this behavior (by aborting a baby). I have to admit that there were times when I was overwhelmed and feeling under appreciated when my children were really young. I probably said things that I didn't mean, and even (gasp!) tried to impress new friends with a blase attitude. But the fact of the matter was that I walked the walk. I accepted the children and took care of them and loved them. We all have bad days and we are all sinners. Even faithful, God fearing Catholics may have moments when they are afraid when they are asked to take on new responsibilities. That is where Grace comes in.
MaryAlice,
Yes, I do get a lot of this at gymnastics. I initially thought it was just a catty crowd, but now I think I might just have high standards. Gymnastics is the one activity we participate in on a regular basis that does not involve a "religious" crowd, so unfortunately, I think this is just a taste of the real world. Depressing, isn't it.
Anonymous,
As I said in my post, grace is what makes me have the attitude I have toward my children. And I know many moms who "walk the walk" but do not "talk the talk," meaning almost all I hear from them is complaining. I think this is a great sin--and a serious problem among stay at home mothers. We all need more grace to truly appreciate the great blessings that our children are to us, and sometimes it takes actually losing a child to have this perspective (as in my case).
Red, I think it's great that your response is prayer for these women and women like them. I can say that I have not always been thrilled with my new pregnancies, but by the grace of God I accepted them (even when I was an unmarried college student who felt pressure from society to abort), and the thrill and love came later. With my most recent baby (and yes I am married now, to the father of all of my children) I had been listening to a song by Marie Belet a lot right before the pregnancy, which talked about unplanned pregnancy using the words "one dark night their loving Father took them by the hand, and with an overflow of grace he sent them one more soul unplanned." And so even though we were feeling very overwhelmed with the thought of another baby, this song, and I'm sure the prayers of others like you, helped me accept it. It didn't take long for my feelings to change, and of course now that my daughter is here I am so grateful. I thank God for knowing that I wanted this baby and trusting me with her (and my other two), even though I didn't know that I wanted her. So keep up the prayers. I'm confident this pregnant woman you heard about will soon be excited about the new life in her, and will also likely become a witness to her friends at how wonderful accepting life is as well.
Gail, courageous post, thank you for writing it for us.
Knowing nothing about the new mother herself and nothing about her situation, it seems very harsh to judge her based on the comments of two people completely unrelated to her. Her initial hesitancy (if it is her hesitancy and not the projected hesitancy of the gymnastics moms) doesn't remotely mean that her children won't experience unconditional love or that the mother is living only for herself. Pray that the new mother will find comfort and recieve God's grace to know that she has the capability and resource -- whatever her initial concerns may be -- to love and raise her child. Don't judge her initial panic.
I agree with Mary Alice. I wince when I hear such things, but I think it reflects that many, many mothers are overwhelmed by the expectations of parenting regardless of how many kids they have. And this only increases as the kids get older: having kids in school doesn't mean less work/worry, but often more.
My oldest is five and has lived in 3 states; family is and will remain hundreds of miles away. No amount of faith, fervent belief in the theology of the body, etc. changes the fact that a mother without friends & support has enormous demands on her emotions/energy/body with little to replenish them (even with a very loving husband). Awareness of this -and expressing unhappiness at the prospect of the suffering involved--isn't necessarily selfish, even if it's expressed in hyperbolic terms.
Just to clarify, nothing in my post was meant to judge this mother, but instead to judge the comments of these two women. I realize that many women experience "unintended pregnancies" or "surprise pregnancies,", but when the friends of a married women feel that her situation is "just awful" or "their worst nightmare," I can feel pretty comfortable to judge those statements as sad and disturbing.
I also think this scenario sends a warning out to ALL mothers and women, in general, to *watch* what we say and how it might be perceived! I can imagine myself using the phrase "what a nightmare" when describing any situation (even ones that aren't "nightmares"). I tend to hyperbolize when I'm around others-- and I need to be more careful! While I think the woman's meaning went deeper than a trite expression, this situation did send off alarm bells to me to be more sensitive toward my comments might be perceived by others.
The subject of babies/fertility/life/death is SO fragile and needs to be addressed with sensitivity at ALL times!! You never know what someone in the room has endured!! A good thing to remind ourselves as we attempt to navigate various social situations...
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